Ouroboros
by Emerson Quinn
Summary: Two views on impending fatherhood. Vignette. Anakin S./Luke S.


**OUROBOROS**

**_This little ficlet was inspired by another story of mine, The Grace of Deception. In this vignette, I wanted to expand on it slightly and compare the thoughts and feelings of Anakin and Luke as they both deal with becoming a father. The ouroborus is the symbol of a snake biting its tail, no beginning, no ending, an unbroken circle. _**

"I'm pregnant," she says to you, gazing up at your face with an expression which says so many things at once. You can read her joy, her fear, her doubts and her love all in one glance. You try, at that moment, to breath it in, but find you cannot draw the air. And it reminds you of the first time you truly felt the coldness of space, after leaving the warm bosom of the sands of Tatooine. It hit you so hard, like an icy fist to your gut, and you could not inhale. That is how you feel now, hearing the news that you are to be a Father.

Her lip is trembling, waiting for you to speak, to say something....anything in the agonizing silence with which you have greeted her words. Her brown eyes begin to fill with tears, though from happiness or sorrow it is impossible to say. Perhaps they are the same.

This is not something that you were prepared for.....it is not what you expected to hear......it is not something you ever really thought about....

And it is not something that you wanted......

Part of your mind still functions, and for a brief moment you wonder how your mother broke the news....but then you remember you have no Father....and a wave of grief passes over you as you realize how alone she must have felt....with no one to turn to.....

By now the look on Padme's face is a pleading one, her hands are grasping yours so tightly. She is so beautiful right now....never more so.

So you tell her how happy you are.....how wonderful all of it is. And you try to convince yourself of that too. Perhaps it is not a lie, and you will grow to care for this child after all. Perhaps it won't destroy everything you've worked so hard to achieve....perhaps it won't take your wife away from you.

Later, when she's asleep, in the dusky blueness of twilight, you watch her peacefully slumber. She is dreaming happy dreams of your life together, with the baby, and it is infused over her features. In some small corner of your mind, you wonder how you could even be surprised at this news. You are married after all......you know she wanted this. But somehow, the thought never seriously crossed your mind that you would become a father. You were always too caught up in yourself to think of those consequences.

And there will be repercussions to deal with. An unsanctioned union between a Jedi and a Senator will cause enough trouble politically, not to mention the fact that you've broken the Jedi Code. And a child as well? You start to wonder just how much of a blessing this baby will be.....and in your mind you wish that the galaxy could exist by the rules which govern your life. How much easier things would be if you could answer to no one. If the universe turned on its axis for you and you alone.....if you had the power you know is being denied you....

In your heart you know you'll have to hide this as long as possible. The later the galaxy finds out, the better. You want no one to know....not Obi-Wan, not even Palpatine. That last thing you need is for this situation to be used against you. This child, whether you want it or not, will be a very important little person in this universe. The offspring of a powerful Jedi and a Queen. You must seriously consider the safety of this baby now. And it could be worse. There is a very real possibility that they will try to separate you from your wife. That is something you will not allow. You realize now that you will do anything to keep her near you....you cannot live without her. Even if you must defy the Council, you will not give her up. The baby is one thing....but living without Padme is unthinkable.

So time passes and Padme hides herself in her gowns, always careful not to show her condition. You know how it pains her to conceal her joy, but it is unavoidable. Things are becoming more complicated now. The fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance and your marriage could become a casualty.

Unless.....unless events take place which could bring about the future you've envisioned. You and Padme...and the baby....at the head of a structured Galactic Empire. Making things the way you know they should be. No more petty squabbles and endless negotiations. Your child could be the foundation of a grand line of ruling Jedi. Not mere passive, neutral peacekeepers.....but the real power behind the throne. A dark legacy.....

And you start to mold your dreams, concoct endless scenarios of you and this child. You will teach him every possible facet of the Force. He will learn all aspects...things which were denied to you. Nothing will be held back. Your son will hold the reins of power and will never know the pain of being a slave.....the agony of losing his mother.....the torment of being denied the rank of Master....of groveling at the feet of another. Your son will be Master of all.....

A slow smile spreads over your face as you imagine it....

You will be the Father you want to be.....the Father you must become.....the Father your son deserves.....

______________________________________________________________________________________________

"I'm pregnant," she says to you, gazing up into your blue eyes with swirling emotions filling her green ones. You can see her surprise, her uncertainty, her determination and her happiness pass in fleeting succession in their jade depths. And in that instant, you try to capture the memory of the moment....but it has become hard to draw a breath in the suddenly stuffy atmosphere of your apartment. It reminds you of home, of Tatooine, and the way the heat saturates the air. It could sometimes hurt to breathe. That is what it feels like now.....knowing that you will be a Father.

The corner of her lip is trembling, fighting back her smile, as she waits for you to answer her. Her green eyes begin to fill with tears, and you know she is thinking of her illness and the long road ahead....but her joy shines through. The line between happiness and sorrow is sometimes so thin.....

This is not what you had prepared yourself to hear....not what you were expecting her to say....something you dreamed of but never thought would happen.....

And it is everything you've ever wanted....

In the part of your mind which is not numb with joy, you try to imagine how your mother told your father....how she broke the news. But then you realize that he had started to slip away to the Dark Side by then, perhaps fully immersed in it....and a pang of compassion hits you, knowing how alone she must have felt...not being able to tell anyone....

And now your wife arches her eyebrow at you, in that gesture you know so well, her fingers are threaded through yours. And you can't recall a moment when she ever seemed more luminous to you than now.

So you tell her how excited you are, how amazing it is that you will be parents. That everything will be alright. And you hope that by saying the words, you will believe them too. Maybe there is hope, perhaps she and the baby will come through this illness and be healthy. Perhaps the life you've strived so hard to have will finally be complete....perhaps this disease won't take your wife and child from you.

Later, as she naps awash with the glow of the slowly setting sun, you reflect on her sleeping form. Her brows knit in her dream state, and instinctively you know her mind is tormented with her fears of the future. You think again how shocking it is that she is even pregnant at all. This is what you both wanted....what you both hoped for, but you didn't think it possible. Maybe you've been so busy with the rest of the galaxy and her illness that taking precautions fell by the wayside. This was an unexpected, yet predictable consequence.

And there will be others, as well. Your questionable marriage, between a Jedi Master and son of Vader, to the former Emperor's Hand raised more that a few eyebrows and the collective blood pressure of almost every New Republic Official. And though you've always believed it needed revision, you realize you've broken more than one tenant of the Jedi Code. But this baby will be a welcome blessing. Sometimes you wish the galaxy could do without you....that it didn't need your guidance or look up to you as if it revolved around you. You've never wanted that....never asked for all the power that's been handed to you.

A part of you wants to keep this news private for a time. Once the rest of the galaxy learns of this pregnancy, you will have even less peace than you do now. And while most of the universe will respond with joy, you know that this situation can be used against you. This child will be something very special....the product of two powerful Jedi and the heir to its grandfather's legacy, burdened with an infamous name, the baby will become a possible political pawn.....and you know that keeping this baby safe is the most important thing now. And Mara.....you have to protect her as well. The possibility of her succumbing to her illness is very real. And you cannot lose her. You've always accepted the fact that you may never have children....but you cannot accept living without Mara.

And the year turns and you watch your wife revel in her newfound state. Her happiness infects everyone, and even you start to believe in a brighter future. Things which once seemed so complicated are brought sharply into focus. Your union, always strong, has only become more sacred. You can raise your child and live in peace and quiet.

Unless.....unless events take place which will call you forth once more. You and the young Jedi you've been training. Called forth to defend the galaxy, just as your forbearers did in the Old Republic, and even before that. And your son could be one of them. No longer hiding for fear of persecution, no longer considered ancient relics of a time long gone by. No longer feared or ostracized.....condemned or mistrusted. Your son could join with the others to become the peacekeepers of the Republic again. A humble yet brilliant future.

So you plan what you will tell him, what he will learn from his family. You will teach him about the balance, about his Grandfather's fall to the dark....and his redemption. Everything you've discovered and what you know instinctively. And he will learn compassion, and how the Jedi have power but wield it wisely and with grace. And you promise him that he will be raised with the joy of having a family...the security of living in truth.....the quiet pride of a life well lived.....and the sense of being part of something larger than himself.

And your face breaks out into the widest grin you are capable of as these thoughts pass through your mind...

You will be the Father you want to be.....the Father you must become.....the Father your son deserves.....

**As always, reviews are cherished...thanks.....Emerson**


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